I went to Barnes and Noble after dinner last night to study for a recertification exam I’m taking later today. A loud-talking couple at a table four inches from mine had the most inane discussion about religion I’ve ever been forced to listen to. About 15 minutes into their dialogue, Loud-talking Girl said, “So, I know I should probably know this, but what exactly is the difference between the Old Testament and the New Testament?” Loud-talking Tutor Guy, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah… and the rest is just pretty douche-y.”
So how do you avoid learning about the whole Old v. New Testament thing? (To be clear, whatever you believe or don’t believe is quite fine with me and none of my business.) It’s just an impressive knowledge handicap. (Of course, good for her for thinking to ask.) Instead of butting into the conversation to make sure she knew the difference between horses and frying pans, I put my fingers in my ears and tried to keep studying. Sadly the “and the rest is just pretty douche-y” bled through. I wish I’d heard what chunk of the Hebrew Scriptures inspired Loud-Talking Tutor Guy to use the word “douche-y.”
Loud-talking Girl: “Oh, Dave, I just love these conversations we have!” THEN they started kissing. 4 inches from me and my study guide. SMOOooooCH. “Me too.” SMOOOOOOCH. Smooch. SMooooOOCH. For the love, people!!! This was obviously my punishment for missing the recertification class.
But wait, there’s more. Then the store was robbed. (No guns or horribleness.) (Buttercup does not die at this time.) Three teenage guys set off the store alarm as they left through the front doors and then they took off like rabbits. A bunch of Barnes and Noble employees tore through the store and ran after them in hot pursuit. There was some fine running going on. And then a get-away truck screeched by. It looked like something out of a TV police drama — with more bookstore employees and fewer actual law enforcement types. Are there a lot of things worth stealing at a Barnes and Noble if you’re a teenage guy? I went home after that.
Here’s hoping we all have uneventful days today.
Liza Howard's Blog 
I kept waiting for you to say that you took off running after the robbers, but guess you were too focused on the conversation at the next table.
It was more that they were sprinters and not ultra joggers.
an impressive knowledge handicap
That made me spew coffee. I put it down to finish the rest. 🙂
Sorry about that. 🙂
Likewise, that made my morning on an otherwise bland flourescent lighting office morning.
FYI:
“A recent NPR story recently asked the innocuous but piercing question: What books are most likely to be shoplifted from Barnes and Nobles? This question immediately begs the next question: Who shoplifts from a bookstore? Most of those denizens inclined to steal have no use for books, while most book aficionados tend not to steal. Therefore, the intersection of the set of thieves and the set of book readers leaves an interesting subset: a disaffected, pretentious, anti-establishment crowd who mouths anti-materialist platitudes while wallowing in suburban comfort. It therefore comes as no surprise that among the top candidates for book theft as reported by Barnes and Nobles, Paul Auster (“Leviathan”) tops the list. ”
…now we know:)
Beautiful.
Some of those fancy bookmarks with the ribbons and beads and stuff might be worthy of pinching. The sushi kit or the beginner juggler also, maybe. Weirdos.
“Dude, look at those bookmarks! Here, put some under your shirt.”
Also, imagine getting caught and going to jail.
“What are you in for?”
“Murder. You?”
“I stoled a book from Barns and Nobles.”
“Shall I rape you now or wait ’til shower time?”
The book most commonly stolen from public libraries is “Steal This Book.” (of course) After that comes “Naked Lunch,” which is ot usually taken by those who feel embarassed to have it on their record, but by those who feel libraries shouldn’t stock such things (Kathy Acker books get left because they’re too obscure) – which backfires, because the libraries end up buying more copies of stolen titles.
And Habakkuk was a total douche. Chinstrap beard, board shorts, wallet on a chain.
Had fun looking up Habakkuk and imagining the board shorts.
Maybe the kids stole the Old Testament to see what their punishment for stealing the New Testament would be.
🙂
Liza- from one ultrarunning mom to another- nice blog! I am too keeping one as I realize there aren’t many out there (by ultramoms)… I know, we are self-indulgent to do it, but its incredibly informative. Congrats on RR100! What a great run.
Thanks Jen. I’m glad to hear you think keeping a blog feels self-indulgent. I always feel sooo guilty writing anything once Eliot and Asa are up. But it’s been, no question, a good thing for me to do. Looking forward to reading yours!