Running gods and prayers

I’m sitting here icing my foot again.  It’s better, but I haven’t been able to run on it since Saturday.  I’m going to take it out for a spin on some soft mulch today and see how it does. I’m pretty dang frustrated, and I threw myself a wild pity party last night, but, as y’all know, it’s no big deal in the grand scheme of things and “this too shall pass.”  AND I did need a reminder to count my running blessings.  Perhaps I’ll just put a Post-it note on the bathroom mirror, so I can avoid the injury next time.  (“Be thankful you can run at all.”)  (What?  Your theology doesn’t include a running god who doles out foot injuries to instill compassion?)

Two of my friends just read Tina Fey’s book Bossypants.  I haven’t yet, (too busy geeking out on exercise physiology and making ice cubes), but I’ve had the following passage read to me.  And then I saw it again this morning.  So just in case you haven’t had the pleasure of reading Fey’s prayer for her daughter yet:

“A Mother’s Prayer for Its Daughter” 

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,”she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.


-Tina Fey

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10 Responses to Running gods and prayers

  1. olivia says:

    This is awesome.
    I laughed out loud….then I teared up
    all in the matter on 1.5 min.

    I have to read this. I love her.

  2. dax says:

    Loved the Tina Fey quote. I sent it to my mom, my wife, and my sisters.

  3. Jane Marcello says:

    It is my honor to be your Mom! You are my hero for so many reasons. Spit and poop are very fond memories!

  4. Tom B. says:

    That there is a Dad prayer too! Love it!

  5. Paige D. says:

    My oh my, I am SO far behind!! The Tina Fey prayer is hysterical and just what I needed this a.m.!

    I’m so sorry to read about your foot. That stinks to the high heavens. But, I caught in a different post that you get to use that Alter-G thingy, THAT is awesome!

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